Five Ways To Help Your Teen Fail

_{This article originally appeared in the May 2026 Mental Health Awareness issue of Montana Parent.}

Being a teenager these days is hard. Chronic connection to digital devices, pervasive social media, and constant knowledge of heavy world events all make growing up challenging. This becomes especially poignant when our youth have access to so much information that they start comparing themselves to their peers in unhealthy ways.

But often the solution to a problem can be found in the problem itself. Kids are fearful of failing these days, for fear that others will see. And yet, the antidote is failure itself! Yes, you read that right: Giving our kids the chance to fail actually makes them more resilient and helps them learn and grow, thereby protecting their mental health. Given that this is a high priority for parents and educators, finding ways to help your teen fail is paramount.

Here are five ways to do so.

1. Allow your teen to make choices, then let them live with the consequences. So often, we parents want to control what our teen chooses to do or not do, and then we manipulate the outcome so it doesn’t hurt as badly. For example: Your teen wants to stay out late on a school night “just this once” to go to dinner and a movie with a friend, even though they have a test the next morning. Instead of lecturing them on the negative repercussions of such a decision and denying their request, how about you let them go? Let them take an exam exhausted. They’ll either do fine or they won’t; next time, chances are good your child will learn from this experience and trust themselves to make the decision that is in their best interest.

2. Give your teen opportunities to do hard things. We are all guilty of doing the easy thing because it requires less effort. There’s no harm in that. But if we never push ourselves to the limit, we won’t learn that we can indeed do hard things, making us more likely to do hard things in the future. Say your family has planned a vacation to a national park. You decide to do some hiking while you’re there, and knowing your family’s interests and perhaps abilities, you decide on a somewhat easy hike. Your family completes the hike in an uneventful way … and very little growth occurs.

What if, instead, you choose a hike that is exceptionally challenging for your family? Sure, you may get some grouchy teens at times, but when you complete it, their sense of accomplishment and self-awareness that they can do hard things will make those sneers worth it. Giving kids opportunities to do hard things will make them more inclined to try hard things in the future. 

3. Step away. Not everything in your teen’s life needs your commentary, opinion or influence. Within reason, back away a bit and let your teen contemplate, try out ideas, stress or stew or make a poor social decision. They need practice with this. If you constantly insert yourself, they won’t get it. Having autonomy in this way lets teens know that you trust them to handle it, and that they can trust themselves to handle it, too. 

4. Celebrate “good enough” work. Succeed, perform! As a parent of teens myself, I am well acquainted with this mantra. We want our kids to do well in school and extracurricular activities. We want them to have solid friend groups, be adequately social and likable, and contribute to the community. We do this because we want the best for our teens, but talk about the pressure! Let your kid be “so-so” at something and accept it anyway. Maybe they play soccer, but they aren’t a star. So what? Learning to accept performance that gets the job done helps kids avoid perfectionism, a type of anxiety in itself.

5. Let them see you fail. Practice, don’t preach. If you model failure to your teen, you will have a great impact on their comfort with it too. Let them see you be sad that you were overlooked for a promotion, but kept going anyway. Let them watch you train for a fun trail race with friends, but fail to finish the course on race day due to an injury. Making failure more commonplace makes it more normal — because it is.

Finding ways to let our kids fail isn’t as hard as it sounds. Opportunities are available every day.

Try some of these suggestions and see if you notice a change in your teen. It’s also a good idea to find a program for your teen that practices these philosophies, too. Kids who compete in any form of team sport often have opportunities for failure. Kids who participate in Scouting, where they are encouraged to make their own decisions and try hard things, are also familiar with failure. Doing so helps our teens develop confidence and resilience — traits that protect their mental health for years to come.

Katie Daughenbaugh is the Mountain Valley District Chair

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